Gugur Itu Tiba (1) sunyi tak memiliki nama tapi ia membuka seluruh pintu untuk setiap nama yang mengetuknya (2) waktu adalah penyair detik yang kita baca selalu baru dan segar padat dan runcing bukankah usia adalah sajak yang terus kita hayati hingga mati (3) peristiwa seperti undakan ada airmata, tawa, rahasia yang menunggu untuk direguk […]
I knew this moment would come
When moon and stars no longer shine
My thoughts and feelings suddenly turn back to blind
When words lose meanings in this certain time
What would have left in my mind?
When I believed that life has no back space
Yes, life indeed couldn’t be replaced
I just let questions and doubts remain
If only I could ask for a favor
I would ask you not to forget me
The touch of my fingers
The warmth of my lips
The way I looked at you
Those might fade away
But always remember that once in your life
Though you never love me nor care
I was there
66th Independence Day ~ Aug 17 10.45pm
And after the firefly has dissapeared, the trail of its light remained inside me, its pale and faint glow hovering on and on, in the thick darkness behind my eyelids like a lost soul. I tried stretching my hand out in that darkness, I touched nothing. Tried again more than once, still.. Nothing.. Only the faint glow remained.
Woke up again in the middle of the night, still with the same dream. I grasped. In silence I heard my harsh breath as if I lost the air. My heart’s pounding. Then I just closed my eyes again, when teardrops started to roll down my face again. I only whispered Abba.. Father..
My mind flew far way back, from the moment we met, those times we spent over breakfast, lunch and dinner, until the time you broke my last defensive wall that night. I’m not the kind person that regreting what has happened in my life, so none of them was a mistake. I take it as His gifts for me. If lately I felt gloomy it’s just I miss those times with you. Even times when we’re arguing. Yes, I really do. It just I need you more than before and it’s torturing me. Honestly I envy you, you’re so busy and busyness might be the best way (for me) to keep me alive right now.
I always believe that God must have a reason for everything happen to my life. One of the marvelous thing was when I was able to write again, try to convey my thoughts and feelings into words. I had stopped doing that for years. But in the other hand, I am really sorry if I make you inconvenient, but please understand that I need to express my feeling as I’m falling apart. And I hope this way can make us know each other better. I try not to keep it inside my heart as it will freeze and change me again into a different person. I don’t want to be a heartless person, but I do need to learn to use my heart less. At least, this way I can take care of my own heart better.
Sometimes I wonder, if we met under absolutely different times or in ordinary circumstances, what would have happened to us? I know this IF is way too big, but I do sometimes imagine when we can just walk side by side and slip my hand under yours.
Please don’t hate me or feel pity for me. I am far more flawed human being than you realize. Which is why I don’t want you to hate me. I would really go into pieces. But I’m glad at least I’m honest to myself so I just offer all my feelings, my joys and my pains to Him. That’s all I can do at this point right now.
~ Miss my firefly
August 16 – 02.13
Jarum jam sudah melewati angka 12
Raga terasa penat
Melewati hari yang teramat panjang
Meski mata terasa berat
Masih juga tak rela tuk lelap
Bayangan tentangnya datang dan pergi
Desahan nafas dan bunyi jantung menghantui
Kucoba pejamkan mata tuk mengusirnya pergi
Namun kenangan lalu seakan menantangku
Lagi, lagi dan lagi
Aku pun menyerah pada rasa
Rasuki saja pikiranku sesukamu
Masuki saja hatiku sepuasmu
Aku hanya tersenyum saat kulihat bayangannya lagi
Terasa hangatnya dekapan dalam sunyi
Kenangan lalu itu tak juga berlalu
Masih saja tak mau beranjak pergi
Aaahh..sudah malam minggu lagi!
Aug 13 – 00.55
Amba bersama Ambika dan Ambaki, kakak beradik, puteri Prabu Darmahumbara, raja negara Giyantipura dengan peramisuri Dewi Swargandini. Ketiganya dimenangkan Bhisma bagi sang adik Wicitrawirya dalam sayembara. Namun Amba yang telah jatuh hati pada Shalva meminta pembebasan dirinya. Tak diduga Shalva tak rela menerima Amba sebagai hadiah dari Bhisma. Akhirnya Amba meminta Bhisma menikahinya. Bhisma pun menolak mengingat sumpahnya untuk melakukan […]