And after the firefly has dissapeared, the trail of its light remained inside me, its pale and faint glow hovering on and on, in the thick darkness behind my eyelids like a lost soul. I tried stretching my hand out in that darkness, I touched nothing. Tried again more than once, still.. Nothing.. Only the faint glow remained.
Woke up again in the middle of the night, still with the same dream. I grasped. In silence I heard my harsh breath as if I lost the air. My heart’s pounding. Then I just closed my eyes again, when teardrops started to roll down my face again. I only whispered Abba.. Father..
My mind flew far way back, from the moment we met, those times we spent over breakfast, lunch and dinner, until the time you broke my last defensive wall that night. I’m not the kind person that regreting what has happened in my life, so none of them was a mistake. I take it as His gifts for me. If lately I felt gloomy it’s just I miss those times with you. Even times when we’re arguing. Yes, I really do. It just I need you more than before and it’s torturing me. Honestly I envy you, you’re so busy and busyness might be the best way (for me) to keep me alive right now.
I always believe that God must have a reason for everything happen to my life. One of the marvelous thing was when I was able to write again, try to convey my thoughts and feelings into words. I had stopped doing that for years. But in the other hand, I am really sorry if I make you inconvenient, but please understand that I need to express my feeling as I’m falling apart. And I hope this way can make us know each other better. I try not to keep it inside my heart as it will freeze and change me again into a different person. I don’t want to be a heartless person, but I do need to learn to use my heart less. At least, this way I can take care of my own heart better.
Sometimes I wonder, if we met under absolutely different times or in ordinary circumstances, what would have happened to us? I know this IF is way too big, but I do sometimes imagine when we can just walk side by side and slip my hand under yours.
Please don’t hate me or feel pity for me. I am far more flawed human being than you realize. Which is why I don’t want you to hate me. I would really go into pieces. But I’m glad at least I’m honest to myself so I just offer all my feelings, my joys and my pains to Him. That’s all I can do at this point right now.
~ Miss my firefly
August 16 – 02.13